I'm leaving

Temporarily.

A week and a half in a different country. No family, just choir. It will be a new experience. Because I will not be here if anything happens. I think that's what I fear most. Things coming out about me that I don't want other people knowing, but I won't be here to make sure nothing bad like that happens.

It won't happen. That's just my paranoid mind.

I need to get a phone and I need to be able to contact people when I'm in China. Make sure I know what is going on, what is happening. Making sure everybody is in line. A week and a half is a long time. A lot can happen within that time frame. Anything could happen.

Only this time I'm ready.


Why am I blogging?

Because I don't want to sleep.

A purpose

He has a purpose for those four days. For those four days nothing else mattered to him but what he was given to live for for those days. He found and discovered new things. He was being tested by something that is big in our society.

He was the main character of the story.

This is something I have always wanted. A problem. A problem that will take me far from where I am now. A problem that would give me a new perspective of reality so that I can be apart of something that is great than what has been given me. I envy his journey. Although, I'm sure it was terrifying to him and it would be to me...but I wonder what it feels like. Knowing that you are important. At least believing you are important.

It's messed up of me to want what he wanted, because I'm sure he would never wish any of that upon anybody else. I am a hypocrite. I hate everything that people do to feel like their lives are apart of a reality TV series. However, I want to feel that importance as well. I want to be damaged and for people to care about me and to be concerned only for me to reject them. I want power. I want purpose.

Why am I blogging?

I don't know.

This is something

I started blogging too. Yes, it was because my hand got tired of writing and typing is a lot faster. And lets face it... when are my eyes not on something electronic?

This will be the first time in about a month or so that anybody will read this beside me. And it better stay that way. If you want to know about my life and about how I am feeling, keep this to yourself. Most of these feelings leave as they are typed, so don't worry about how I feel.

Nevermind. This is a bad idea. This is mine. No one should know anything about me. Especially about how I really feel. Let's see how long everything lasts in my life.

Why am I blogging?

Because I felt desperate for a minute.

Who am I?

It's a word that is thrown around too much. I know, because I have used this word and phrase too many times in my life where it was never actually in existence. Well, at that time. Who am I to say that it doesn't actually exist? I think it's more of being afraid of the feeling then wondering if it's real or not. Once you say it, you have to say it over and over again to give the person reassurance, and even reassurance for yourself that what you feel is actually real. It's more for yourself rather than just the person you say it to.

But.

When people use it for there benefit to get what they want. That's where I draw the line. Especially when they know that the other person is vulnerable. Especially when they know the other person is vulnerable. That is something I can't stand for. She told me last night that she was a victim of desperation after her second boyfriend told her about how he hooked up with an ex of his that came into town for a night. But luckily that word saved their relationship. She said that that the bad situation turned out good.

I'm sorry. But no it didn't. Your ex boyfriend planned this whole thing so that for one night a girl can put out like you don't so he can clear his head for the next few months, he will feel guilty, but it's okay, he knows he will so he will use something against you at your most vulnerable of times. He will tell you what happened. Make it seem like an accident. But you really know it wasn't, but you don't want to hear it. You want to her the bullshit that's coming out of his mouth because you're too much into the relationship to not have it work out. He tells you everything that happened just so he is a good guy and that's what good guys do. He tells you everything to make it seem like he knows he did wrong, even though he knew what he was doing the minute she told him she was coming into town. And just when you think that everything is over, he says for the first time in your relationship "But. . . I love you"

Roses that were pissed on are nice.

Why am I blogging?

Because I couldn't say this to your face

And yes

My last post was probably one of the more depressing moments that I have put myself in. I didn't want to feel better, I just wanted to be sad. That was a first for me in the past 6-8 months. What made that night even worse was that there was someone who wanted to make me feel better. She was sitting right there supporting me, asking me what she could do.

I just responded with "Nothing"

That's not fair at all. I regret it, because everything she was saying was right, but I wanted to feel miserable.

Lately, I don't want to have the addiction of emotional pain anymore. That was my secret for a long time, but I told too many people that it wasn't fun anymore. I want to find something that no one knows about. Something that I can call my own that no one else can take from me like so many things have been. In the day light I'll be the normal person. By night I'll be something or someone else. Or even myself, rather. That will be my project. Find something that I can be without anybody knowing about it. Maybe that's what I need in my life, a self purpose.

Why am I blogging?

So I can remember what I was thinking.

Realizing

I am no good at what I do. That's just something I have to accept. The people around me have accepted it. So why don't I? The sooner the better I always say. Living by lies is worse than living by the truth. What would you rather know? The lie where everybody keeps it from you or the truth where everybody is straight up with you?

I pick the second.

Why am I blogging?

Because I'm drunk.

Secrets

It's interesting to find out that someone doesn't have any dirty secrets. At least ones that can't be found on a computer, phone, or room. Those three things are tell signs of something being hidden. But she doesn't have any of them. She is just a normal girl. A normal person. She has told me what exciting things that have happened in her life. Maybe she doesn't have anything to hide like I do. Maybe she is an anomaly. Doesn't everybody have secrets that they don't want the world to know? What websites they go on, what conversations they have with people, or what they may keep hidden in their drawers. Is it bad that I have to fight to not snoop? Maybe I'm trying to find something wrong. Maybe I want there to be a secret that I shouldn't know about. Maybe I don't want this to work out. Maybe I just want to be alone and to feel pain again like I have before just to keep it there, just to let it sit. Emotional pain is the one that leaves scars that no one can see. Just like this blog. No one can see it. Unless they try and find it.

I want my life to have some sort of potential for it to be significant. Maybe even so that one day a crazed fan will find this blog and post it to the world. Then they will read on People magazine "Star driven to depression?" Then I'll know that I matter to people. I can't see myself being what I'm studying in college anymore. I am simply not good at it. As a matter of fact, I am terrible. My mom once told me that I have never be substantially amazing at anything, only good at a lot of things. She is completely right. Being good at a lot of things doesn't get me any where. And lets face it. I'm not even good at what I'm supposed to be good at.

This blog finally turned into a diary. Which will probably be the last time it does. Maybe not.

Why am I blogging?

Because no one wholeheartedly listens.